I've learned a lot about what I want and what I don't want in relationships. I have been in sweet, loving, and happy relationships with my best friends that I thought would never end but life and timing got in the way. I have bonded with a charming man with bipolar tendencies and substance use issues who made life a roller-coaster hell more than half of the three years we were together. One man I dated spent the first couple months together still in love with his ex and complaining about his former wife. Then, after jumping headfirst into us, kept complaining that he needed me to literally perform for him to arouse his interest enough in and out of the bedroom. I wasn't showing enough signs that I felt the magic between us. Well, you know what? Truth be told, he was right.
For the most part, though, the men I dated were nice, fairly normal guys, with average hang-ups, normal baggage. Inevitable there is one I've found I still can't fully let go of, and to whom I still find myself comparing other men. He could be the sweetest, most tender person. We were friends and companions. He could make me laugh, and he always had a story. When he gave me "the look", and you know the look I'm talking about, the one that says, you are the only one in the room, the sexiest woman I know, I melted. Yet I spent two years supporting, cheerleading, and helping to remodel my boyfriend's house that he never ever intended for me to live in full-time with him. He never introduced me to his mother, despite her living five minutes away. He also "jokingly" declared that marriage was "for losers and suckers." I finally realized I'd be a loser if I ever decided to marry him.
I've casually dated a couple others, had flings with friends, and just been stupid with a couple other unmentionables, but what I've sorely missed is the time to really be me. The time to be selfish. To do things on my own schedule, in my own way, for my own pleasure. To not let the overwhelming desire to please someone else get in the way of accomplishing the many dreams and goals I have for myself.
I am single. Not married, no child. I am not tied to a job (unfortunately for health reasons). What better time than now to find what's best for me and just go for it? If a wonderful man comes along and wants to be my cheerleader, my companion, my best friend somewhere along the way, then wonderful, but this is my journey to take for me. Wish me the best!
